#35 Jake Christian
Chrndstien, Roger Clemens,
History, Admin of justice, Sociology
Blue Bell, PA
snake327 AT hotmail.com
- 2009 Metro East 2nd Team All-Region (5th Year/Grad)
Chrnstein really likes burritos. When he’s not eating burritos, odds are he’s hitting the gym, throwing, being injured, hating being injured, or thinking about ultimate. Jake thinks about ultimate alot, including during such activities as class, doing homework, filing his taxes, bangin his girlfriend, hitting on broads who aren’t his girlfriend, and watching tons of gay porn. Christian, the living paradox (he’s jewish) makes his obvious religious affiliation apparent with his exemplary on-and-off-the-field spirit. He’s also the example of modesty on the team. I only found out yesterday that he captained a team the won a PA state championship multiple times, and finished 5th place at junior nationals in 2004. A lesser man would remind you of that fact over and over again, and then ask who played well at the last tournament, and then say “this guy,” referring to himself.
In actuality, this guys a bruiser. The Jarkko Ruutu of pitt ultimate. I guarantee teams like george washington, messiah, and michigan hate us solely because of jake. He can’t even throw a flick. He’s only out there so if you’re handler cuts upline, he’s going to get blindsided by a missile of bone, teeth, and hatred of your team. This brings us into a chicken and the egg debate — which came first, jake hating your team, or your team hating jake? It’s weird, but every time we arrive at a tournament, everyone at the tournament immediately hates jake. Even before he says or does anything. I think even davidson hates jake. And who can blame them, after all, jake is the source of all anger in college ultimate. Remember that rsd post about #19 on rsd? It was secretly about jake.
Anyway, pitt doesn’t win games the normal way. We prefer the mutant league football method, where you kill so many players that eventually theres only 3 or 4 players left on the other teams roster. Jake’s a big reason why we win games. And you better get used to it, cuz he’s gonna be around for a loooong ass time.
For the first time in history, the UPA awarded 2nd team honors. Foremost among them in my mind is Jake Christian, a 5 year player who wrote the book on upline and handler defense. Hit ’em. Over the course of my first three years at Pittsburgh, I got to handle with Jake constantly, and we became a great team. I also got to live with him for two years. As such, we’ve become very close and it was truly a great honor to see Jake get recognized for the skill and determination he brought to Pitt Ultimate.
Currently, Jake is working in Pittsburgh, hoping to enter government, defense work.
-Written by Eddie Peters