#11 Patrick Every
Patty Ice, Iceman
pae6 AT pitt.edu
The origins of Pat Every are ancient. Legend says that Zeus was pursuing a virgin forest nymph until Zeus grew tired of the chase and threw her into a volcano. The resulting eruption produced what you know as Pat Every. Throughout the centuries Pat has laid down justice with a mighty hand, smiting enemies, seducing women, and leaving a trail of destruction wherever he went. Fast forward to the early 1900’s and Pat was in Eastern Europe single handedly bringing down the Ottoman Empire. It was Pat who killed Franz Ferdinand, but he did it with a thought. Pat was the Red Baron and Pat brought down the Red Baron. Trench warfare existed because Pat slaughtered any man foolish enough to leave their trench and make a foolhardy charge towards what he thought was the enemy. It turned out to be Pat they were charging toward. Pat also single-handedly built up the German military in the 1930’s and single handedly brought down Hitler with a thought. What the Americans dropped on Hiroshima was Pat Every. Before Pat reached King of Prussia Pennsylvania, there was no mall. Before Pat started rooting for the Phillies, they were an awful baseball team. Now Pat has made his way to Pittsburgh. Enemies beware, Pat will reign down destruction on you, then bring you back to life only so he can kill you again.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Pat Every.
-Written by Michael Van Ness